the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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