I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize