it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
