I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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