someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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