I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
