why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
