PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
don't judge my taste in strippers
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
