I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
