So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
