This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
