Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
