just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
