I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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