yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
