I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
