Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize