A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
