I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
