is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
