11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
