I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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