I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
