the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
