I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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