I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
there was a trapeze. enough said
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
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