He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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