I smell stomach acid.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
