Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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