PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
