someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
