Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
