just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
