you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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