i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize