Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
