Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
