I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
