Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
