I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
