I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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