Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
