dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
