He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
