She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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