giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
