He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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