Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
