The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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