its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
