Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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