Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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