I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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