Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
