I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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